Tri-dentity

I ended my last post saying I would find happiness in my own identity. This is huge for me, because I really am not sure who I am. I sometimes feel like I have three different personas. One is who I spend most of my time being. This is the Britt who loves people and sharing God. She's also shy and reserved, afraid to let people in. I am this Britt around most of my friends, my classmates, my professional life.  The second Britt is more open. She lives in the Holy Spirit and pursues personal spiritual growth and formation before other things.  This Britt just appeared over the course of the last six or seven months. She comes out around a certain group of friends and in certain spiritual conversations. The third and last Britt is the most different. She is someone that only comes out in specific situations, and takes on more of a front, but does have deep roots in who I actually am. This could also be known as partier Britt. She comes out around non-Christian friends, at the bars, with my high school friends, when life feels too difficult and pressing. She can be nervous, but also more fearless than the other identities. This is the Britt that I have brought out more over the past few days, and the identity that is the focus on my pursuit of pleasure. The second identity (spiritual formation) will the focus of next month, my pursuit of devotion. And the first and main identity will be the focus of the pursuit of balance.

So I have these three identities that are definitely not whole within themselves, but also easily conflict with each other when I try to maintain all of them. That is where my overall pursuit of happiness and identity comes into play. I want to find my true identity. One that God has given me and wants me to be, while maintaining that I do live in the world. (I can't just seclude myself and live only as spiritual Britt, though some people me think so).  I do pray that I will find some sort of balance this summer and that God can be pleased with me, but not taking out the desires of my heart. I know this probably doesn't make sense, and that most people will think that God would never be pleased with the partier side of me... but that's the point of all this. Figuring that out for myself.

Let it go

So I know I just posted, but I was laying in bed (a luxury that I'm going to have to give up soon) reading some more of Eat Pray Love and I think I just stumbled across a passage that explains my life.  Or at least it explains why I am having such trouble letting go of someone. I know it's long, but I tried omitting some things. And I highlighted the most important parts. I also changed names to pronouns to make it more general and applicable.

"He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul make is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. [His] purpose was to shake you up,...show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life...So love him...So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of [him] because then you'll really be alone, and [you are] scared to death of what will happen if [you're] really alone. But here's what you gotta understand...If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a doorway. And guess that the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using [him] to block that door. Let it go."

The Pursuit of Pleasure

It's June! Officially the beginning of my pursuit of pleasure (Though we all know that I wasn't going to wait to actually begin).

Ok, so I just want to be clear about what I mean by the pursuit of pleasure. I'm not talking about sexual pleasure, or food pleasure (as Gilbert does in her book). I'm talking about just physical happiness. Spending time joking with friends, playing games, going to bon fires, reading trashy beach novels, and of course, drinking vodka redbulls at the bars on Main St. Sure, shaking my hips, and wearing low-cut tops will also be involved, as well as going to worship services to fulfill physical spiritual pleasure (yes, I know that's an oxymoron. Just go with it). And so I wouldn't be opposed to a summer romance or summer fling, but I'm also ok with being a flirty single. I'm just going to go with it.

Pride and punishment

I had a really interesting conversation the other night. It was with my friend, Kate. We were sharing life with eachother and how certain friendships and relationships were just at weird places. I was telling her about a friend who lives in the same town as me, but we haven't seen each other since school ended, even though I thought we were really close. I also had not been making much of an effort to see this person, hoping that he would initiate with me. Finally, sitting in the passenger seat of Kate's car, she turns to me and asks, "What's more important, your pride? Or seeing [this person] before he's gone?" I sat back against the seat stunned. What was more important to me? I definitely have an issue with pride. But is it more important than seeing someone who I had called my best friend at one point be he jets off to another country for several months? I ended up telling her that I really didn't have definite answer, but it was something to think about.

And I did think about it. I ended up actually texting him the next day--a big accomplishment for me. Now I'm not going to say that it was a huge learning experience. It really didn't end up well. We still didn't see each other for the first time until a couple days later, and even that wasn't anything special. But I did lay down my pride for one day and tried to make the first step.

Dumping out the past

This past school year has been the best year of my life. But it was also the most devastating, emotional, exciting, and heart-breaking year as well. I went through so much boy drama (most of it I now realize I brought on myself). I made friends, lost friends, and regained previously lost friends. I hurt friends and family. I was hurt by friends and family. My family fell apart and slowly stitched back together. I fell away from God, and I found him. I grew stronger in my personal relationship with God than I had ever had before, and I got angry at the Father for the first time in my life. Anger.. that was definitely something new for me. I had never really expressed anger in my life. I've always been really easy-going. Sure, I would get frustrated or annoyed, but nothing too extreme. I developed so much anger towards situations and people and God, that I honestly had no idea what to do. It often resulted in me sitting on my futon in the dark sobbing and trying not to cry... or even more often, trying to cry. The last few weeks of the semester, I sat for hours researching symptoms of depression, and more than once dialed the phone number to the student health center for a screening. But I never could follow through with it. That's something that's hard for me. Reaching out to people when I need help. Only two people in the world knew that I was struggling with depression those weeks.. And here I am revealing it everyone. One night when it was particularly bad, and I was just angry and upset that God would let that happen and would let my world fall apart like it had been. I felt like I was being swallowed by darkness... but it all of sudden hit me... I needed prayer! And even if I was too prideful and ashamed to ask a friend or mentor to do it, I needed it. I decided to post on my church's online prayer request board. I left an anonymous request saying that I was a college student suffering with depression and the responses were overwelming! On the board, you can click a link saying that you prayed for a request and it keeps a tally of how many people prayed for each request. 25 people said they prayed for me. I was incredibly humbled and touched just looking at that number. Every time I received an email saying that my prayer request was prayed for, I couldn't believe it. And you know what happened? I started loathing myself less. I didn't shy away from every person who stopped by my room. I started feeling worthy of God's love and people's love. I doubt that I'm completely healed. But that's where this summer quest comes in. I will find my happiness with God and friends and family. And I will find happiness within my own identity.

Memorial Day

Today was Memorial's Day so everyone was out and about doing things. I was, of course, slightly hungover from Sunday night, but I ended up going to see the new Pirates movie.  It wasn't too bad, long though. The missionary was adorable! I hung out with Cora afterwards and helped her work on a bulletin board that she has to get done. We also went to Four Queens. Now, I'm not a big ice cream person. I rarely would choose to just get ice cream. But there is something about Four Queens. I just got a simple vanilla cone, but it's so creamy and delicious. I also ran into a certain person who I would rather not name, the same person that I had spent time with last night, which may or may not have been a good idea. I even had said that had Sunday night gone well, I would have re-entered his contact information in my phone (as of right now, he's not saved). If it tells you much, I haven't made any contact changes. But I digress. The rest of tonight was spent hanging with my roommates and we watched 10 Things I Hate About You.  This movie is probably one of my favorites of all time. It is especially effective when you're in a man-hating moods.. Which I am in quite often, but that's also a story for another time. Overall though, today was quite a happy day.

Eat Pray Love

I'm currently reading the book, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's beautifully written and just a nice read. It's divided into three sections, based on where the author is at. Italy, India, and Indonesia.  And each of these locations has a new pursuit. Italy is the pursuit of pleasure. India is the pursuit of devotion. And Indonesia is the pursuit of balance. She spends four months in each of these locations doing these things... I guess you could say on the overall pursuit of happiness.  Which, is something I've been thinking about a lot lately (largely spurred on by the song by Kid Cudi). But I think I'm going to try this idea but scaled down to a summer. For the month of June, I'm going to focus on the pursuit of pleasure, finding what makes me happy. July will be the pursuit of devotion, rediscovering my relationship with God and how I can delve deeper after falling away. And finally August will be figuring out the balance of these things and life just in time for school to start again. I feel bad even considering these things... like I'm betraying God in some way. But I'm not. I still love Jesus with everything thing I have. But I have completely lost who I am over the past few months with all of the hard stuff and stress that I've gone through.  Of course my life won't be completely devoted to the things that Gilbert did. I still have to work and pay bills and other obligations. And I'm going to pray, go to church, and things while on my pursuit of pleasure. But I'm not going to feel guilty about the fact that I just dyed my hair. Or the fact that I have drank every night for the past four nights. June starts in two days. But I'm going to start a new blog now. My summer blog. The pursuit of happiness... and Identity.