I don't understand how after all this time I am such a messed up person.  I don't know why you don't fight harder for me.  I don't know why I think about how much easier life would be if I wasn't here.  I don't know why you are love me at all.  I don't know why I do the things I do to you.  I don't know why you put up with it.  I don't why I love you the way I do.  I don't know why it hurts so much that you're not here. 

I always thought we were different.
That our love was effortless.
But it's really so fucking hard.
when I can't even love myself. 
Because I really know that is where all
of these problems stem from.
I know that if I loved myself better,
it would make every part of our relationship
easier and merely perfect.
Instead I don't trust my thoughts
I don't trust that unfailing love
I don't trust God's love for me.
I want to say all these things
out loud
to someone.
But I can't.
I can't admit the thoughts that cross my mind
I can't admit the stress, anxiety, and hatred
that form in my mind
And when I do think about these things,
get ready to let it out,
It gets worse
I get harder on myself
Thinking about how much I screw up
How I'm not great at anything
How I keep losing friends
How I am trying to push away the best thing that
has ever happened to me
Just because, now,
when things are the hardest
I'm too scared and fucked up myself
To suck it up and be stronger

A year ago
You were teaching me to let myself be happy
You were teaching me to trust in another person
the way I struggled to trust God
You were teaching me to be free and feel loved
unconditionally for the first time in my life.

And now a year later
We've gone through more than I can think of
And taken more steps than I would have imagined
And still
I struggle.
Still
I have days where I feel like the world is closing around me
And at the same time,
The world is so empty and lonely.
And the one person that I so
desperately need
is the one person I'm the most scared
to admit this stuff to.
The one person who I've gotten mad at
over and over again for pushing me to talk too much
And mad at over and over again for not
pushing me to talk enough.

The one person who has saved me beyond
what I can express
is the one person I need to tell
this to.
Truth is such a tricky thing.
A scary, intimidating, awful thing.
But when the truth is set free,
It really is like chains are being lifted.
Then to be saved can really happen.

The truth is...
I love you with all the passion
that my broken soul has.
I love you infinitely more than I can
fathom.
I love you for loving me the way
that I have always wanted to love myself.
I love you for teaching me what
it truly means to love.
I love you for reading this.
For understanding and moving on.