Dumping out the past

This past school year has been the best year of my life. But it was also the most devastating, emotional, exciting, and heart-breaking year as well. I went through so much boy drama (most of it I now realize I brought on myself). I made friends, lost friends, and regained previously lost friends. I hurt friends and family. I was hurt by friends and family. My family fell apart and slowly stitched back together. I fell away from God, and I found him. I grew stronger in my personal relationship with God than I had ever had before, and I got angry at the Father for the first time in my life. Anger.. that was definitely something new for me. I had never really expressed anger in my life. I've always been really easy-going. Sure, I would get frustrated or annoyed, but nothing too extreme. I developed so much anger towards situations and people and God, that I honestly had no idea what to do. It often resulted in me sitting on my futon in the dark sobbing and trying not to cry... or even more often, trying to cry. The last few weeks of the semester, I sat for hours researching symptoms of depression, and more than once dialed the phone number to the student health center for a screening. But I never could follow through with it. That's something that's hard for me. Reaching out to people when I need help. Only two people in the world knew that I was struggling with depression those weeks.. And here I am revealing it everyone. One night when it was particularly bad, and I was just angry and upset that God would let that happen and would let my world fall apart like it had been. I felt like I was being swallowed by darkness... but it all of sudden hit me... I needed prayer! And even if I was too prideful and ashamed to ask a friend or mentor to do it, I needed it. I decided to post on my church's online prayer request board. I left an anonymous request saying that I was a college student suffering with depression and the responses were overwelming! On the board, you can click a link saying that you prayed for a request and it keeps a tally of how many people prayed for each request. 25 people said they prayed for me. I was incredibly humbled and touched just looking at that number. Every time I received an email saying that my prayer request was prayed for, I couldn't believe it. And you know what happened? I started loathing myself less. I didn't shy away from every person who stopped by my room. I started feeling worthy of God's love and people's love. I doubt that I'm completely healed. But that's where this summer quest comes in. I will find my happiness with God and friends and family. And I will find happiness within my own identity.