I don't understand how after all this time I am such a messed up person.  I don't know why you don't fight harder for me.  I don't know why I think about how much easier life would be if I wasn't here.  I don't know why you are love me at all.  I don't know why I do the things I do to you.  I don't know why you put up with it.  I don't why I love you the way I do.  I don't know why it hurts so much that you're not here. 

I always thought we were different.
That our love was effortless.
But it's really so fucking hard.
when I can't even love myself. 
Because I really know that is where all
of these problems stem from.
I know that if I loved myself better,
it would make every part of our relationship
easier and merely perfect.
Instead I don't trust my thoughts
I don't trust that unfailing love
I don't trust God's love for me.
I want to say all these things
out loud
to someone.
But I can't.
I can't admit the thoughts that cross my mind
I can't admit the stress, anxiety, and hatred
that form in my mind
And when I do think about these things,
get ready to let it out,
It gets worse
I get harder on myself
Thinking about how much I screw up
How I'm not great at anything
How I keep losing friends
How I am trying to push away the best thing that
has ever happened to me
Just because, now,
when things are the hardest
I'm too scared and fucked up myself
To suck it up and be stronger

A year ago
You were teaching me to let myself be happy
You were teaching me to trust in another person
the way I struggled to trust God
You were teaching me to be free and feel loved
unconditionally for the first time in my life.

And now a year later
We've gone through more than I can think of
And taken more steps than I would have imagined
And still
I struggle.
Still
I have days where I feel like the world is closing around me
And at the same time,
The world is so empty and lonely.
And the one person that I so
desperately need
is the one person I'm the most scared
to admit this stuff to.
The one person who I've gotten mad at
over and over again for pushing me to talk too much
And mad at over and over again for not
pushing me to talk enough.

The one person who has saved me beyond
what I can express
is the one person I need to tell
this to.
Truth is such a tricky thing.
A scary, intimidating, awful thing.
But when the truth is set free,
It really is like chains are being lifted.
Then to be saved can really happen.

The truth is...
I love you with all the passion
that my broken soul has.
I love you infinitely more than I can
fathom.
I love you for loving me the way
that I have always wanted to love myself.
I love you for teaching me what
it truly means to love.
I love you for reading this.
For understanding and moving on.

 

Everything I love about you:
Your eyes
Your smile
The way you switch into funny accents and languages at random times
The way we have inside terms like chocolate and trouble
Your arm, chest, and shoulder muscles
Your sense of humor
The way you aren't afraid to tell me you love me
The care and compassion you have for those around you
The way that you love me just the way I am
Your dark, rich skin
The way you laugh at yourself when you say something random without thinking
The fact that you say random things without thinking
The way you take care of me when I'm sick or upset
Your cute way of describing things or analogies that come from your culture but wouldn't normally make sense here

Dear Stranger,

I really don't know what happened. We used to spend so much time together. We used to go on driving adventures and do homework silently in your room. We would watch stupid movies and go get cupcakes and vent and discuss and just sit next to each other. I know my feelings for you were stronger than yours for me, but I was okay with that, as long as we were best friends. Now, you only live 20 minutes away, but we don't talk, we don't see each other. I have no idea what's going on in your life, and I feel like you just don't have the time for me. I miss you so much, but I hate that I do. It takes all my strength to not think about you and wonder who you're spending your weekends with, because it's not me, even though just two or three months ago, a day didn't go by when we didn't hang out. I miss our friendship so much. Oh, and here's the kicker, you're leaving for another country in a month. You'll be gone for six months, and yet, it's like I never even mattered to you. I pray though, that you are doing well and for your trip. Thank you for how you have influenced me and I will always, always love you.

Love, Friend.

I worked my second shift at Little Caesar's last night. And I actually had a good time. Sure, my feet and back hurt, and I still don't have a good grasp of what I should be doing, but everyone is really friendly and like to have fun while they work. While I was walking back from work, I decided that chinese food sounded really good and East China is right between work and my apartment, so I stopped at got some sweet and sour chicken. Got back to my apartment and had a chill night with Laura. The other roommates were gone for the night. Speaking of gone... I'm going home tomorrow night! I'm sooo excited to see the twins!

Tri-dentity

I ended my last post saying I would find happiness in my own identity. This is huge for me, because I really am not sure who I am. I sometimes feel like I have three different personas. One is who I spend most of my time being. This is the Britt who loves people and sharing God. She's also shy and reserved, afraid to let people in. I am this Britt around most of my friends, my classmates, my professional life.  The second Britt is more open. She lives in the Holy Spirit and pursues personal spiritual growth and formation before other things.  This Britt just appeared over the course of the last six or seven months. She comes out around a certain group of friends and in certain spiritual conversations. The third and last Britt is the most different. She is someone that only comes out in specific situations, and takes on more of a front, but does have deep roots in who I actually am. This could also be known as partier Britt. She comes out around non-Christian friends, at the bars, with my high school friends, when life feels too difficult and pressing. She can be nervous, but also more fearless than the other identities. This is the Britt that I have brought out more over the past few days, and the identity that is the focus on my pursuit of pleasure. The second identity (spiritual formation) will the focus of next month, my pursuit of devotion. And the first and main identity will be the focus of the pursuit of balance.

So I have these three identities that are definitely not whole within themselves, but also easily conflict with each other when I try to maintain all of them. That is where my overall pursuit of happiness and identity comes into play. I want to find my true identity. One that God has given me and wants me to be, while maintaining that I do live in the world. (I can't just seclude myself and live only as spiritual Britt, though some people me think so).  I do pray that I will find some sort of balance this summer and that God can be pleased with me, but not taking out the desires of my heart. I know this probably doesn't make sense, and that most people will think that God would never be pleased with the partier side of me... but that's the point of all this. Figuring that out for myself.

Let it go

So I know I just posted, but I was laying in bed (a luxury that I'm going to have to give up soon) reading some more of Eat Pray Love and I think I just stumbled across a passage that explains my life.  Or at least it explains why I am having such trouble letting go of someone. I know it's long, but I tried omitting some things. And I highlighted the most important parts. I also changed names to pronouns to make it more general and applicable.

"He probably was [your soul mate]. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul make is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over. [His] purpose was to shake you up,...show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life...So love him...So miss him. Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of [him] because then you'll really be alone, and [you are] scared to death of what will happen if [you're] really alone. But here's what you gotta understand...If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot-a doorway. And guess that the universe will do with that doorway? It will rush in-God will rush in-and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed. So stop using [him] to block that door. Let it go."